Happiness

Questions.

How much does it cost?

What does it even look like?

How does it feel?

What are we talking about?

 

We are talking about happiness.

 

I thought I knew. I always thought that it was the one thing I was so sure about and knew everything about.

But the truth is, it’s nothing like what I thought it would look like.

Nothing at all.

And have I found it? Yes, and I think that this is exactly what it s supposed to feel like.

How can I be so sure of this universal word?

I’m not.

But I am sure that I have found my version of it.

 

 

Happiness, is not pretty, shiny, plentiful or colourful.

Happiness is plain.

It is this plain white wall with no scratches, no holes, no dents and no noise.

It is peaceful.

 

It is this phase, or mode or state of mind that allows me to be at rest.

There is no war in happiness.

I don’t mean guns and roses.

There is no inner conflict, no worries, no doubt, no comparison, no competition and no fear.

 

It’s not loud. It doesn’t have all those balloons and streamers.

No.

Happiness is quiet.

Real quiet.

 

It can be shared.

But, it has to be shared very carefully so that it doesn’t get stolen.

 

Yes, happiness can be stolen.

Why do you think so many people in the world are not perfectly happy with all that they are blessed with?

Do you think they weren’t happy at first?

They were.

But society jumped right in and said ‘NOPE, that’s not good enough, others have more, others are doing better, you should be better than them”

So, it gets stolen.

Not literally, but figuratively, happiness gets stolen.

 

How can you steal a plain wall?

You can paint all over it.

Warpaint.

And guess who paints the wall.

Society hands us the paintbrushes and we do the painting.

We paint the wall and we paint ourselves.

 

It’s mostly black paint by the way

Black because black is the hardest to remove.

Society never goes easy on us.

How are you supposed to make a black wall, white again?

 

With white.

Chaos overwrites peace but peace can also overwrite chaos.

White to black, black to white.

But does one coat ever work?

NO.

 

Thats why I said happiness is plain, white, no dents, no scratches.

It is what we started with, before society dictated how life should and would work.

It is not easy to attain, but it is not impossible.

 

Happiness takes time. It takes a lot of soul searching, a lot of confidence and a lot of guarding that white wall.

Behind that white wall, happiness looks different to all of us.

For some of us there is money, fame, cars and gold waiting for us

For others it is family and a good friends.

For the unfortunate it is a plate of hot food and a roof over their head

For those suffering from a long term illness its a day with no pain.

For those living without a single person to live for or thing to look forward to it is death.

 

Happiness looks different on the inside

But on the outside happiness is a white wall.

A white wall we paint by ourselves, peacefully, without society telling us

 

“that we could do better”

 

That is happiness for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Unload

Finally.

The walk uphill was so long, so tiring, my feet ache but not as much as my heart does.

I take a seat.

There is this beautiful patch of flowers.

I pick one of them up, and start picking at the petals.

” love me”

“love me not”

There are two petals left.

I think I counted “love me” twice, so technically it would have ended with a “love me”

I leave the last petal on.

 

Would people find me strange all dressed up like this?

It’s your birthday. I guess it makes sense.

I don’t think it’s normal but when have I ever been normal?

I have so much to tell you.

But the truth is I am here to ask for your permission.

 

It’s been 3 years.

Since.

 

My heart feels heavy.

Heavy as if I am carrying a pack of stones, or rocks with me.

Cold rocks.

 

” Just let me” I mumble.

Tears flow down my cheek, but I wipe them away quickly.

“Just let me, god dammit”

You told me that I was supposed to be strong, never give up, head up high, all that Shonda Rhimes bullshit.

I come here everyday.

I know you know.

I know you don’t want me to, but I don’t think you get to control everything.

I can’t do it any other way.

It’s not like you will ever understand.

“Sorry.”

 

But I can’t.

I can’t anymore.

I can’t.

I can’t.

I really can’t.

 

I need your permission to break.

I want to unload these god damn stones.

Somewhere, to someone, but you left me with no one.

So it has got to be here, with you.

 

And just like that the last petal of the flower I had been picking on flew away.

It almost twirled in the wind you know.

And after years, for the first time,

 

I wailed.

 

In pain, in loss, in fear of the unknown.

But I could still feel your presence, I could hear the words you would have said, and feel your ams wrapped around me.

Stone hard, but you were still by my side, as you had always promised you would be when I’d need you most.

 

Thank you Ma.

 

 

 

 

Us.

It was time. I stared at myself in the mirror, stole a glance at the time and then fixed my hair for the last time. I was wearing a dark green saree, the blouse had gotten a little tighter for me but it was the perfect combination. I slipped into my three inch heels, almost took a fall, but caught my balance just in time! Thank god! She would be so surprised to see me wouldn’t she? She probably thought I wouldn’t make it. But how could I miss it!

I hurried out of the hotel, hoping I wouldn’t be late. I didn’t want to miss the best part. An autorickshaw driver caught sight of my waving hand and turned around, I quickly got in and mentioned the address. He asked me if it was a wedding. I happily replied “Yes, my bestfriend’s”

I arrived within 20 minutes, earlier than expected. I smiled and handed the driver a 100 ruppee note and told him to keep the change. I was in quite a good mood, wasn’t I? I rushed into the hall, and saw familiar faces just in time! I almost had a feeling that I was at the wrong hall but give me a pat on the back, I was at the right place! It was a beautiful feeling. Seeing everyone after so long. Everyone looked so happy and healthy. So alive. And then I froze.

There he stood.

I wasn’t sure if he had seen me walk in. But there he was. My heart skipped a million beats, I could hear each and every single beat. I looked away, tried to catch my breath. “You okay?” said a familiar voice.
It was Reena, she sounded a lot more mature than from 3 years ago.
I turned around.
“Yes, yeah I just need a little water” I said and headed to the washroom. “Better hurry, it will start in 10 minutes” she continued to say.

It was just me in the washroom. I stared at myself in the mirror.

I knew he would be here. Why was I in pain? Was I in pain? Was I sad? But why was I sad? It was years and years ago.

He looked a bit older.

Much skinnier than when I saw him last. He had changed his glasses. How did I remember so much about him? Why was it hurting me, something was just bothering me! He was wearing a white shirt, and black pants, his hair swept to the side.
He looked good.

What would he think of me? Why did it eiven matter? Was he alone? Was he here alone? Should I go speak to him? Would he want that? Maybe not.

Or maybe he would be happy?

I looked at the clock, I was gonna be late. I rushed out the door, my saree got caught in the lock! Seriously?! Now?

I turned around and removed it from the door and ran back into the hall.

I reached just in time!

God, she looked beautiful.
She just looked so beautiful and so happy
I was so happy for her.
A tear rolled down my cheek.

And thats when our eyes met
After 3 years for the first time.
I can’t explain the feeling.
He smiled.
And I smiled back.
But in those seconds
Almost a year worth of memories rewinded in my head.

The first hug, the first kiss,
The late night phonecalls, the tears, the fights, the flights, the surprises, the restaurants, the distance, the love..

I saw pain in his eyes. Not pain.
But it was the same look in his eyes when he said goodbye to me. The last time he probably loved me most.

I choked on my tears.

I pretended to be so focused on what was happening on stage. I held my own hand.

Why did it hurt so much? Was it because
he was the love of my life? Was it because it was weird.
Or was it the years of silence that
followed that year of unforgettable love.

I wondered what he would think of me?
I wanted to run to him.
I wanted to ask him why he suddenly disappeared from my life
Why it all went from everything to nothing

I had moved away
But it never left me
And I realized that now more than ever
But it was too late.

I found the courage to steal a glance at him again.

I wanted to see if he was still looking.

Wait, there was a woman.
She was slightly chubby, or no, was she pregnant?
She was holding onto his arm,
Complaining about something

Was that his —?

Was he?

I saw him look at me.
Yes, yes he did.
He didn’t smile this time.
I didn’t either.

He was married?
He had moved on.
So had I.

But–
But that look in his eyes.

It still read love.
Maybe it was just my head.
Maybe I wanted it to read love

But I had known knew him well enough to know that it read love.

My heart sank.
I suddenly felt the same feeling when I had left this country three years ago.

Suddenly, something dropped beside me, beside my feet.
I jumped.
I was so caught up in the moment
I bent downto pick it up.
And stopped.

“I’m really sorry” said a familiar voice.
My heart skipped a beat again.
It was a Titan wallet.
What had dropped.
I got up, “It’s okay” I said, as I smiled and handed it back to him

“I’m sorry too” I added, as tears pooled in both our eyes.
——–
I woke up to the sound of alarm. My chest hurt. It was a dream. Couldn’t be.
It seemed so real. I rolled over to the other side.

And there he was.
My husband.

“Goodmorning sweetheart” he said in his usual loving tone.
“Morning” I replied feeling somewhat guilty for having such dream

“What’s wrong?” he asked

Was I being different? Was I making it obvious? No, it is wrong of me to.

” Nothing, its nothing” I replied as I wore my socks, it was cold. So very cold.

” I love you”
It caught me by surprise.

It had been years since those words, meant so much to me, or more so that I meant them. Long long years.

“I love you too Arjun” I replied

“It’s Gary” he corrected.

The silence was deafening.

What we could never be.

Here I am,
Miles and miles away
Names of arteries, veins clog my mind
I take a pause to catch a breath sometimes
And then my mind wanders
And it finds you, it finds us.

I don’t know if I am addicted to the pain
I don’t know why I continuously revisit it
But I can’t help it
I almost find comfort in the pain
In the memories
That are long gone.

I want to run to you
I mean run
I want to run with tears in my eyes
Raging against the distance that divides.
I want to be the victim of this vulnerable side of me
I want to let it out.
Without the recipient being a wall.

I don’t think most people will understand
They will tell me
Leave it
Move on
You will move on

Man, I know.

People even move on from death.

But how do you grieve over someone who still exists.
Over memories and unfinished business
I know they say bury it
But you cant physically do that

It exists.
It exists.
Raw as ever.
With all knives bullets fired
With all the flames it fought
All that couldn’t destroy it
It exists.
It doesn’t look as good anymore
No more flowers, no more chirping birds
There is tar and dust and coal
War
Battle ground
It’s a barren battleground
Abandoned.

I wonder how stupid I sound
I never even used to believe in love
Invest in love
Fall in love this hard
Why with you?
What was so different with you?

Was it the fights?
Or the fact that we told each other everything about our lives?
Was it that we could understand the fear we try so hard to bury?
Was it the jokes?
Was it the distance?
Was it the texting?
The skyping?
The airports

What was it?
You’re not my first relationship
So why?

I’m writing this
And tears are flowing down my cheek
I feel so helpless
So fragile
So weak
Almost so stupid

I try to hold my ego up
Just as I always did during our fights
But it doesn’t stay up
No, I hide behind the caving wall
Crouched,
Knees to my chest
I hug them tight

You’re voice echoes in my ears
When I pray for strength
Your reassurance
The way you say my name
Still has its place

It still has it’s place.

I wish I held you every chance I got
Never let go and told you
That you literally won my heart
I wish I had convinced you that I loved you
A million times
More than a million

It all hurts.
My throat is clogged.
I almost feel like crying is wrong.
I swallow my tears.

Maybe on the other side.

It’s rainbows for you.
Maybe not rainbows, maybe sunshine

But you know what

That’s what I want.
I never understood all this bullshit
The whole wanting someone else to be happy even if you weren’t

Maybe that is what this pain is about.
Stuff that wont make sense
What they make movies about.

I’m tired of writing
I feel a little better
I don’t even know if what I’m saying makes sense
I just know i feel
Better

But all it is
Is that
You
You
Were the one
Who taught me
The feeling
Of being crazily, madly, deeply, angrily, unapologetically, painfully in love,
In love, my love
With what
Could just never be.

Faith, Hope, Justice & Love

I wrote this in 3 minutes, so this is a rant.

I can’t help but spell out the words that rush through my mind every morning.

Every single time I read the news, see a post on Facebook, or read the paper.

Yes I do still read the paper.

So, I write it down, on a sticky note, on a piece of paper, and now here.

And these are the words.

Faith

Hope

Justice

and love.

Has it come to the point where our world is devoid of all this?

That people don’t inherit this trait from the generations before them?

Is this the kind of world, mothers who are trying so hard to conceive are planning to bring their child into?

Faith.

What do we believe in? We supposedly believe in something called religion, but can we believe in humanity? We are all the same, exactly the same, made up of the same kind of cells, bones, tissues yet we remain so divided. For example, we surrender to discrimination based on the colour of our skin and complain. But don’t we do the same thing? No. Really. Tell me. Can you tell me that you don’t or haven’t judged a single person based on the colour of their skin after you’ve experienced it yourself. I don’t blame you. It’s not your fault.

So no humanity, but religion?

Right.

Hope.

I don’t need to say it out aloud. Do we have hope? Hope for change? Hope for equality, hope for poverty eradication, hope to stop prostitution, hope to end terroism and hope to end hate? Tell me. I’ve searched in all the corners of my life. This is my Waldo.

Justice.

I can almost laugh at this word. Laugh. It is invisible. From entering university to the dirty bastards walking on the streets free as a bird after destroying a young woman’s future to the law system that justifies the shooting of a black man because the MURDERER was a white cop.

Justice? Justice for the citizens of the so called America who blame their President but the core of cruelty lies in their own soul. Justice? Justice for the children who are abandoned because their parents are too young? Justice for whom? Justice for the acid attacks, justice for the suicide attempts, justice for the refugees, justice for the women who don’t have the right to abort a life they aren’t ready to bring into the world.

Justice?

And lastly love. LOVE? 

Love.

Does anyone really remember how to love anymore?

Or do we know how to survive, benefit and get what we want.

We hate on each other, we try to bring each other down when one of us starts climbing the ladder a little faster then the rest of us and we laugh and pass comments when someone does something outside of what they normally do. Perhaps that is called competition. Human nature? I am not sure.

But is all this what we supposedly call love, support and “having your back?”

You don’t have to answer me. Ask these questions to yourself.

My mother always tells me that I live in the fantasy bubble. How can I tell her that my fantasy bubble is a much safer, kinder and a more loving place than the real world I was brought into. 

Dreams do come true :)

So guess what!

I went to shadow a paediatric dentist today and it was awesome! I got to see kids go under GA, and I got to help them come out of it! They are the cutest😍! And when I get home, i get an email from Sick Kids!🙈 When I was 8 years old, I set my heart on this place! And I got it! I actually got an observership! I got it! I never thought I would ever get a chance to, because only University of Toronto dental students get such opportunities, but I did!

So the point of this is : Set your heart to something, no matter how far fetched it may seem to be. Then chase it. Till it’s yours. If your passion is honest, real and true I promise you, you will land on the moon! Or Pluto cus Pluto is cooler💙

Also, I’ve decided to have a #happybox. Everyday you basically write something good or special that happened on a sticky note and add it to the box. And on New Years you read it, to be reminded of all the great things that happened the past year. 😊

Dreams do come true. They really really do🌈 #16yearsinthemaking

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Spring is around the corner!

Hey beautiful,

Are you ready to give up your favourite cozy winter jacket? Almost? Well, here are a few styles you can try out this spring!

Throwing a blazer over anything can change a very funky outfit into something more classy, for sure!

img_9900img_2122Bell sleeves are really popular this spring! Don’t forget to pick up a few! Crops and off-shoulders are also always very stylish and great to add to your wardrobe! Style your favourite dresses, and skirts with your favourite pair of boots. It’s always great to try something out of your comfort zone!

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img_0448img_1176img_0545Aso, you may want to add some color to your natural hair! Try a balayage maybe! I have it, and I must admit, it’s the best thing I’ve done with my hair! Oh!  Definitely try the sleek high bun this spring!

img_0736In terms of desi outfits, you may wanna go a little lighter for spring! Try whites, baby pinks and blues and maybe even a yellow! Add a pair of nice earrings, and you are ready to go!

Jewellery!! How can I forget! Find yourself a nice necklace with a cute pendant which says a lot about you. Mine is an detailed silver circle, which kinda symbolizes karma, the whole “what goes around comes around” – circle of life basically! Sometimes a plain statement piece is all you really need!

xx

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