What we could never be.

Here I am,
Miles and miles away
Names of arteries, veins clog my mind
I take a pause to catch a breath sometimes
And then my mind wanders
And it finds you, it finds us.

I don’t know if I am addicted to the pain
I don’t know why I continuously revisit it
But I can’t help it
I almost find comfort in the pain
In the memories
That are long gone.

I want to run to you
I mean run
I want to run with tears in my eyes
Raging against the distance that divides.
I want to be the victim of this vulnerable side of me
I want to let it out.
Without the recipient being a wall.

I don’t think most people will understand
They will tell me
Leave it
Move on
You will move on

Man, I know.

People even move on from death.

But how do you grieve over someone who still exists.
Over memories and unfinished business
I know they say bury it
But you cant physically do that

It exists.
It exists.
Raw as ever.
With all knives bullets fired
With all the flames it fought
All that couldn’t destroy it
It exists.
It doesn’t look as good anymore
No more flowers, no more chirping birds
There is tar and dust and coal
Battle ground
It’s a barren battleground

I wonder how stupid I sound
I never even used to believe in love
Invest in love
Fall in love this hard
Why with you?
What was so different with you?

Was it the fights?
Or the fact that we told each other everything about our lives?
Was it that we could understand the fear we try so hard to bury?
Was it the jokes?
Was it the distance?
Was it the texting?
The skyping?
The airports

What was it?
You’re not my first relationship
So why?

I’m writing this
And tears are flowing down my cheek
I feel so helpless
So fragile
So weak
Almost so stupid

I try to hold my ego up
Just as I always did during our fights
But it doesn’t stay up
No, I hide behind the caving wall
Knees to my chest
I hug them tight

You’re voice echoes in my ears
When I pray for strength
Your reassurance
The way you say my name
Still has its place

It still has it’s place.

I wish I held you every chance I got
Never let go and told you
That you literally won my heart
I wish I had convinced you that I loved you
A million times
More than a million

It all hurts.
My throat is clogged.
I almost feel like crying is wrong.
I swallow my tears.

Maybe on the other side.

It’s rainbows for you.
Maybe not rainbows, maybe sunshine

But you know what

That’s what I want.
I never understood all this bullshit
The whole wanting someone else to be happy even if you weren’t

Maybe that is what this pain is about.
Stuff that wont make sense
What they make movies about.

I’m tired of writing
I feel a little better
I don’t even know if what I’m saying makes sense
I just know i feel

But all it is
Is that
Were the one
Who taught me
The feeling
Of being crazily, madly, deeply, angrily, unapologetically, painfully in love,
In love, my love
With what
Could just never be.


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